More Snores Than Pea Soup

Posted on Jul 19, 2012 in All Reviews, The Unfinishables | 0 comments

TEENAGE EXORCIST (1991)

Teenage ExorcistSo, if you’re in this bar, than I’m guessing that you’re the type who would rent a movie with a cover like this. Michael Berryman grinning with horns and fangs while a seductress in a sheer nightgown finds her way out of purple pentagram with a candelabra. What the hell is there not to like?

Well, hold on to your Coors can kiddies, because this is a clear case of cover art bamboozling; one of those shitty instances where the poster far outshines the movie and hints at things that never even happen. In fact even the title is full of shit.

Behold, Teenage Exorcist, a movie that has forced me to add a new category to the bar menu: The Unfinishables. This label isn’t for movies that are truly awful; it is instead for movies that give you no reason to keep watching them. Sadly, this is one.

The movie stars off with a maid finding the dead body of a young woman. The nude dead body of a young woman. So there’s some points right there. I will Barrymanadmit that pointless, gratuitous nudity is one of the film’s few strengths. The opening credits have their own Motley Crue style theme song, which is fun, giving this snore more false promise. The movie then kicks in by introducing horror icon Michael Berryman (Pluto from The Hills Have Eyes, The Dirtmaster from Barbarians). But he is just a realtor, not a frothing demon as the box art suggests. Sigh. This realtor is meeting up with a young woman named Diane (b-movie starlet Brinke Stevens) who wants to rent what we find out is, brace yourself, a haunted house. Whatever. I’m still more focused on my cheese doodles at this point. The two exchange some painfully awkward dialogue and then Berryman leaves.

Diane wanders around the house, calls up her naked sister Sally, and handles some possessed food to which she is oblivious. In no time at all the cheesy warlock who formerly owned the home starts to shake things up with spooky noises, and when Diane glimpses a demon in her cellar she becomes possessed… just in time for Sally and her wise cracking boyfriend, Mike (Jay Richardson of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) to show up.

Some viewers may point out that Diane is supposed to be our “teenage” girl from the title, but there is nothing remotely teenage about her. Not only is Stevens clearly in her mid-thirties here, but she isn’t even portraying a teenager in the movie.  Besides “exorcist” really is in reference to the person who performs the exorcism, not the possessed person. So the film still doesn’t pull through on that. No one really qualifies as teen in this movie,  including the priest and even the pizza boy.

Surprisingly Sally is not that put off, at first, by her sister’s strange behavior of attempting to seduce her boyfriend. Diane’s barwhore transformation is only mentioned when she really starts wielding a chainsaw, which sounds better than it actually plays out in the movie.

Whatever, I need another beer. No need to pause it while I go to the bathroom either.

From here on in we get a silly Exorcist parody where the two tie up Diane and call in a priest. Diane’s boyfriend Jeff and nerdy pizza delivery boy Eddie (typecast nerd Eddie Deezen, best known as Eugene from the Grease movies) show up and so do a handful of unexplained basement ghouls and spooky ferrets.

It was at about this time that I decided that clipping my toenails would be a lot of fun.

FINAL THOUGHTS

By the forty minute mark, Teenage Exorcist fails to make an impression. It is not a horror movie and not a good comedy either. While it has a campy feel to it and is a self-aware bad movie like Night of the Creeps or Brain Damage, it is not nearly as original or entertaining as those two grindhouse gems. It offers far more corny jokes than babes or blood, most of the painfully delivered by Richardson who seems to think he is a long lost Marx brother. He isn’t. Deezen comes in and does his nerd shtick ad nauseum, and Berryman seemingly never returns after his microscopic cameo, a waste of his screen presence.

Teenage Exorcist just doesn’t offer us anything other than unfunny Exorcist jokes. This is a film concept that was already done a year prior with Repossessed, an equally unfunny Exorcist parody that at least gets Linda Blair and Leslie Nelson to give it some credibility despite its gaping ineptitude.

For its complete lack of creativity, direction and talent, as well as its inability to choose what kind of movie it wants to be, I must give Teenage Exorcist the condemning tag of Unfinishable… and this is coming from a guy who owns Sledgehammer.

  • RATING: 1 out of 5. You have got to be all out of alternatives to call this entertaining.
  • CHICK OF THE LITTER: Well, you only have two to choose from. Brinke Stevens has a cult following but she didn’t do much for me. Sister Sally, played by Elena Sahagun, shows far more skin. Her shower scene with a demon is the one amusing moment in the movie, so I’ll give her the crown.

BARTENDER’S NOTES

Avery Samael'sIf you insist on watching this snoozefest, I would suggest getting something strong so you end up zoning out on your ceiling. But I also cannot pass up the chance to make a demon tie-in selection here.

I am going to recommend one of Avery’s “Demons of Ale” oak aged beers, the little devil known as Samaels. Packing a roundhouse 17% ABV, this incredibly sweet beer almost tastes like wine. It is very light on hops to make the malt stand out within this excessively rich brew that hints of toffee and vanilla, teasing like a dark rum. This is a limited 12oz bottle but worth finding. It is a unique and tantalizing brew… unlike the movie it just had the misfortune of being paired with.

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What do you think?