THE TOP TEN MOST ABSURD MONSTERS IN HORROR!

Posted on Mar 6, 2013 in All Reviews, CONTESTS & GIVEAWAYS, Featured, Lists & Countdowns | 49 comments

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To celebrate our new affiliation with the delightful madmen at T-Shirt Bordello, we have teamed up with them to give away THREE FREE KICK-ASS HORROR SHIRTS. What I always loved about their designs is the creativity that goes into them. They aren’t just simple images from films; they are hilarious amalgams like the ones you see below:

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With that incredible absurdity in mind, I chose to make a list of the top ten most absurd monsters in horror films. Keep reading to check out the list and find out how to enter the giveaway.

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Now, back to those absurd monsters…

Absurdity and monsters go together like alcohol and firearms. The more absurd a monster can be, the more effective, as the human mind shudders at what it cannot comprehend. Take the shape-shifting mass in John Carpenter’s The Thing, for example. The unfinished form of the Blair Monster is an unparalleled terror.

However, sometimes in an effort to create a beast that is fresh, creative, and even humorous, filmmakers can often go overboard, resulting in the “WTF” ghouls I’ve listed for you here. I’ve listed what I thought were the wackiest weirdoes in the horrorsphere; creatures that out-do the poodle in The Boneyard and Mama in Dead Alive when it comes to sheer ridiculousness (although both of them deserve mention)! Some of these movies are damn solid horror flicks, other are raging bags of flaming feces. But they all have a monster, madman or machine that is more ludicrous than Admiral Ackbar and crazier than an Alex Jones rant.

 


10. THE BRAIN in THE BRAIN (1988)

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The concept of a giant, floating brain as a leading monster has been put out there a shocking amount of times. Old sci-fi camp such as The Brain From Planet Arous gave us our first taste of a disembodied, over-sized, gray matter monster. But 1988’s The Brain upped the ante by giving their brain fangs. In this shockingly out-of-print turd, a cult-leading Doctor (David Gale from the Re-Animator films) creates an enormous, man-eating brain to help him control minds.

Now, while this may sound riveting, unfortunately the film drags with the human characters running up and down stairs and battling evil nurses. But when the brain drops by it is a grand old time, as he prefers eating slutty blondes.

Hilarious in concept, this creature is also hilarious in execution, as it is clearly a big ball of plaster being wheeled around on a cart. At times you can even seen the puppeteer working its jaws.

Movies like this always get us asking: “What the hell were they thinking?”

This time we get to find out, thanks to this great interview done with the film’s FX artists Kevin Danzey, over at badmovies.org.


9. ALL OF THE MANY FREAKS in NEON MANIACS (1986)

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Much like my beloved Spookies, the 80’s horror flick Neon Maniacs has a downright ridiculous variety of monsters in it. But while Spookies sticks with traditional zombies, cat people, grim reapers and other Halloween-like generics, Neon Maniacs goes floating out into crazyland by crafting a motley crew of nonsensical little killers: a blue samurai, a leather-lovin’ gimp, an undead marine soldier, a “Melty Face”, a psycho surgeon, a Mohawk Indian, a biker ghoul, an aging caveman, and many more. All of them live under the Golden Gate Bridge, emerging at night to slaughter sexy teens, of course. Luckily they can be killed by water. Good thing they chose to live under a bridge.

Also known as The Evil Dead Warriors, this film boasts some glorious, old school FX despite its plotlessness. While utterly stupid the film is also highly entertaining, and offers such a vast variety of little ghoulies that you simply can’t get bored.


8. THE OWL MASK KILLER in STAGE FRIGHT (1987)

Take it easy. Before you write me angry letters, you should know that I love Stage Fright and consider it an unsung hero of the slasher craze. This early work from Michele Soavi (creator of the masterful Dellamorte Dellamore) is a giallo-style slasher in the vein of Soavi’s mentor, Dario Argento.

It is about a killer who stalks a cast rehearsing a play. They got locked inside the theater overnight with the killer, and one by one they’re picked off in a colorfully gruesome display….

… by a guy wearing a giant owl head mask.

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Strangely enough, it really ends up working in the film’s favor, but it is nonetheless the oddest choice for a slasher mask I’ve ever seen, and that’s including the pig’s head in Motel Hell.


7. THE FRIDGE in ATTACK OF THE KILLER REFRIGERATOR (1990)

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Before Tobe Hooper, Stephen King and Robert Englund collaborated to embarrass themselves with The Mangler, a group of never-seen-again misfits slapped together a short film about a killer appliance that somehow made it to video store shelves during the glorious VHS boom.

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator tells the tale of a mistreated fridge that goes on a killing spree, eliminating the rowdy, mullet-headed teens that have wronged it. While only fifteen minutes long, it feels far longer, as it is a completely inept little film. But its sheer silliness and amazing audience reach has made it a sought-after treasure among vintage video collectors.


6. THE YONIC MONSTER in THE ABOMINATION (1986)

Speaking of collectable VHS tapes, The Abomination ranks pretty high on the list of VHS rarieites. This B-movie about a disturbed young man who keeps a giant, vaginal creature in his cupboards and feeds it cauldrons full of guts (which appear to be actual animal entrails in the film) is a wild mess of a movie.

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Think of this as a gory Little Shop of Horrors, sans the annoying music. Despite its relative cheapness, the film obviously put what little cash it had into the creature effects. Originally coughed up by the man’s mother, the abomination slowly grows into a pulsating wad of meat that dominates the kitchen and demands fresh kills.


5. THE PHALLIC MONSTERS in THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983)

A perfect companion to the previous entry, The Deadly Spawn is about flesh-eaters from outer space who just happen to look a lot like giant dicks.

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These ferocious space-cocks terrorize a family in a small town, and then target a group of teenage scientists! The razor-toothed creatures are always sprayed-wet to look more alive, and come in various forms and sizes, just like real dicks.


4.     THOSE TURD BUGS in THINGS (1989)

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The micro-budget, Canadian horror film THINGS really must be seen to be believed. Beyond terrible, incomprehensible, and excruciating at times, it succeeds in being one of the shittiest movies I have ever encountered, and that is really saying something.

A man and his wife undergo dangerous experiments in an effort to get pregnant, resulting in her giving birth to the “things”, which look like crawling, petrified horse turds.

One of Intervision’s finest, or most shameful moments, Things is a horrendous, disjointed shitstorm of skull-shattering awfulness; a virtual barfbag of filmmaking ineptitude at its most rancid. Therefore, I cannot recommend it more highly!


3. EVERYTHING in PHANTASM (1979)

I am a huge Phan of Phantasm. I own the complete boxed set and I once had a lovely conversation with Angus Scrimm about playing the violin.

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But have you ever really thought about what Phantasm is really all about? Can your brain even handle it? While wonderfully effective, Don Coscarelli’s popular franchise admittedly plays out like a nightmare, resulting in strange moments of nonsense (particularly by part IV).

What we have here is a story about a shape-shifting mortician from another dimension who uses a flying sphere to kill people. He then has their souls compressed into midgets to farm rocks for him in a parallel universe.

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Seriously, this is probably the most outlandish screenplay ever pitched.


2. THE MEAT MAN in JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)

Another mind-fucking masterpiece from Coscarelli. In his latest insane asylum of a film, John Dies at the End, Don really pushes the limits of the imagination with the help of author David Wong.

This movie is a rich cornucopia of crazy, but the early-on moment that had me howling has to go to the scene where a meat-locker bursts open and an entity uses the cold cuts to form itself into a meat monster.

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But the granddaddy crown of completely absurd monsters must go to….

1. AYLMER in BRAIN DAMAGE (1988)

If there is one mind out there more delightfully disturbed than Don Coscarelli’s, it’s that of Frank Henenlotter. The man who brought us additional absurd monsters in Frankenhooker, Bad Biology, and his Basket Case trilogy really hit the mother out of the park with his magnum opus Brain Damage.

This movie tells the tale of Brian, a young man who becomes host to a neon parasite named Aylmer – a sort of worm that provides him with a euphoric liquid that is shot right into Brian’s skull. But once addicted, Brain becomes Aylmer’s bitch, as he demands human brains for food.

Aylmer is a talking, singing, drug-dealing, mega-leech that rips people’s brains out of their heads.  It simply doesn’t get any better than that.

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Heavily edited upon its initial release, the film was at long last released on DVD with the complete bloody-blowjob scene and the now infamous brain-pulling sequence intact. If you like absurdity in your fright flick, believe me when I say you’ll hit the holy grail of gonzo with Brain Damage.


Now that we’ve told you our favorite absurd monsters, it is time for YOU to tell us yours in the comment section below for your chance to win a free horror tee!

 

To enter the contest, just do these three simple things:

 

  1.  Leave a comment on this article telling us what your favorite absurd monster is (it doesn’t have to be one from this list). Be sure to leave a VALID EMAIL ADDRESS in your comment so we can contact you if you win. Best practice: me_at_email_dot_com
  2. LIKE us on Facebook if you haven’t already.
  3. SHARE this contest on Facebook so your friends have a shot at winning too!

 

THREE GRAND PRIZE WINNERS will receive a
FREE HORROR T-SHIRT of THEIR CHOICE from T-SHIRT BORDELLO!

 

This contest is only open to U.S. Residents. Winners will be picked at random. Contest ends March 20th, 2013. Winners will be announced after emails are confirmed. Good luck!

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49 Comments

  1. I’m going to say “The Ginger Dead Man.”

  2. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

  3. The Killer in the Movie’Pervert’,don’t want to say What it is and Ruin it for anbody that hasn’t seen it.

  4. I loved the sheepman in black sheep

  5. I’m going to go with Deathbed: The Bed That Eats

  6. The bed from “Deathbed: The Bed That Eats People” is my pick.

  7. The overlook hotel. Jack wasn’t the villain, the hotel was. A death bed, a meat monster… Boo. Just light a match and walk away. An entire 100+ room hotel? The weirdest, yet most terrifying monster I’ve seen in a film.

  8. So many possibilities. And a lot of good ones listed here. But I’m gonna have to go with the first thing I thought of…Critters. Individually not that absurd I suppose. But that goofy ball they collectively form into, picking people clean as it rolls over em. I always thought was beyond absurd. And I’ve seen some absurd shit by god. That’s my pick. Now give me my shirt.

  9. I know you already covered one phallic beast on your list, but I think the ultimate penis monster is Ron Jeremy’s manhood from One-Eyed Monster. The movie isn’t particularly good, of course, but the concept is so over-the-top that it’s worth watching. Did I mention it’s about a killer dick alien monster?

    alex.divincenzo_at_gmail_dot_com

  10. so many to choose from (i was going to pick Brain Dead as well) but after an excruciating 5 minutes of careful deliberation, i’m going with the dick-eating vagina in “TEETH”. really, is there anything more terrifying than getting your junk chomped off by a rabid pussymonster with teeth? i know the c-word is frowned up but i think it applies here: that is one killer cunt.

  11. The eye from The Killer Eye (1999) is pretty absurd. A homeless man’s eyeball is turned into a giant killing machine that likes to.. take advantage of women. o_O

    vigorandrepose_at_gmail_dot_com

  12. Jack Frost is my favorite

  13. It’s not even a horror film… or even remotely good, but I always loved the nightmarish toilet from Look Who’s Talking Too.

  14. I would have to say the mutated hooker parts at the end of Frankenhooker. Wha’ts weirder (and cooler) than a monster that is made up of a pile of boobies!

  15. The Manitou! If there’s a better film about a centuries-old, evil Native American medicine man reincarnated as a killer midget growing out of a woman’s back, I’ve yet to hear about it.

  16. Killer sheep thing, GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS.

    dekkoparsnip2_at_yahoo_dot_com

  17. The Beholder from Big Trouble in Little China – it’s just floating around all happy-go-lucky, eyeballs hanging out everywhere, almost cute, then it gets a little snarky when it rats out Burton and Company.

  18. Creature from the Black Lagoon!

  19. Obvious to most being “The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” in “Ghostbusters” for sure! Honorable mentions go to “Terrorvision” monster and Chet from “Weird Science”!

  20. I would pick NightBreed because you could do a top ten most absurd monsters from that movie alone or the mind of Clive Barker!

  21. Mac from Mac & Me. Most absurd ‘monster’ ever put to screen…

  22. The hobgoblins from the movies Hobgoblins 1&2.
    Mrbob77_at_live_dot_com

  23. Audrey 2 baby :) cant ever go wrong with the classic, but if we are just going wierd how about 2002s Killer Pinata in “inata Survival Island”2005s possessed blow up doll is pretty off the wall in “Blown”

  24. We’re LOVING all the comments! Ya’ll have mentioned some great absurd monsters so far! Keep ‘em comin’!

  25. The tomatoes from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. They were more of a comedy/sci-fi monster than a horror monster but they still get my vote for one of the most absurd monsters. I mean, come on! Tomatoes!!

  26. Yeah, I would have to say the killer tomatoes from the movie ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’! I love the movie, it’s a classic! Killer monster tomatoes…how absurd is that?! Now they need to do one with killer potatoes! LOL

    • My email: oliverspendulum at yahoo dot com

  27. The freaks in Basket Case 2 and 3!

  28. Those alien things from Bad Taste

  29. Grindhousehorror@gmail.com

    The one red eyed seguero cactus monsters of Green Slime. Absurd noises and design straight out of a spaghetti western prop set.

  30. I’m gonna go with the killer toy variety. There are so many options though.. Chucky, puppet master, etc probably the most ridiculous is baby oopsie daisy from demonic toys. Not scary at all but hilarious.

  31. I have to go with evil Santa Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay. rebeccalhuey_at_gmail_dot_com

  32. The Master from Manos:Hands of Fate. Every bit as absurd as the film’s synchronization, editing, acting, lighting, dubbing,….kellyfrazetta at yahoo dot com

  33. Has to be a tie between Belial from Basket Case and Tank from Curse of the Puppet Master.

    • unclehappy at gmail dot com is the email.

  34. I’d have to say the giant turd killer in the movie “Monsturd”!! Hahaha Movie is so bad it’s good!!! hahaha

  35. so many to choose from… the goblins in Trolls 2. NILBOG!!!! lynnadene@yahoo.com

  36. Octoman from the move well Octoman. classic man in a rubber suit but the outfit was pretty funny. chung_pal at yahoo dot com

  37. I have to go with the intestine s & colon in Dead Alive. Gotta love it when it farts!!!

  38. How about Ethel from “Criminally Insane”? Hilarious.

  39. Just about any of the characters from Freaked with Alex Winters, which isn’t exactly a horror movie. There’s a scene where some men in suits join together into a really big shoe. That was the one I thought of. Looking at some other images from it, there’s also the pair of rastafarian eyeballs with machine guns.

  40. My vote has to go to the British spoof “I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle” starring Neil Morrissey (Bob the Builder) and Anthony Daniels (C3PO).
    The killer is literally a motorbike that runs on blood and attacks people at night (Noddy, the lead character can’t quite work out why the bike never starts up during the day..).
    cjappleby88 at gmail dot com is the e-mail.

  41. Chet from Weird Science… LOL.

    frank.browningii@gmail.com

    (Liked and Shared this post on FB)

  42. The Split Mouth Lady (Kuchi-sake onna) from ‘gakkou no kwaidan’

  43. The Satellite Dish in TerrorVision that becomes a portal for sinister aliens. mikezaleski82@gmail.com

  44. THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED. We have notified the winners by the emails they provided and will announce them here once confirmed! Thanks for all the great entries everyone!

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