Does it make you warmly nostalgic to think about them? You’re not alone. VHS is in the midst of a huge comeback thanks to sentimental collectors. I myself have fond memories of roaming the dusty horror shelf in the back of the old Mom and Pop video store my family frequented in the 80s’. Then, in the 90’s, I ended up working as a video store clerk. Luckily I left this profession, seeing how things turned out for them.

As a nostalgic videovore myself, I couldn’t help but get excited to hear about the new documentary Adjust Your Tracking, a renegade film about obsessive VHS collecting. Documenting the country’s most impressive collections and including interviews with VHS hunters and hoarders, this documentary puts the spotlight on the VHS craze and hopes to spark a little of that sentimental flair that’s in all of us.

I sat down at the bar with the director, Dan Kinem, to discuss the blood, sweat and gasoline that went into this passion project.

Welcome to the Tavern, Dan! We’re excited to have you here to discuss your new film. Tell us: what is Adjust Your Tracking is all about?

Adjust Your Tracking is a feature-length documentary all about the ever-growing VHS resurgence and the group of collectors out there that still cherish what many call a “dead format.”

How did it all begin?

Well, I began collecting about three years ago now and I’m never happy just collecting. I feel the need to share the collection with people or do something. It makes collecting something even more worthwhile for me. So, after starting up a VHS review website, a YouTube channel, releasing two movies on VHS, doing a VHS ‘zine, etc.  – one of the only things left was a documentary. I saw that this wasn’t just a fad that was going to die out. I knew that the collectors should be able to tell their story and that they’d be entertaining enough to carry a feature.

What was your transition from collector to documentary-maker like? Do you have a filmmaking background?

I had worked on a couple embarrassing short films back in the day, but I didn’t have much real filming experience and that’s where my friend, and co-director, Levi “Dabeedo” Peretic, fell perfectly into place. I was able to use my collecting knowledge -and being a Journalism major also helped – to gather and conduct all the interviews and he was able to use what he’s learned as a Film major so far to capture it all.

So, this was clearly a labor of love – funding must have been an issue. How did you go about getting it made?

Well, funding was a huge issue. We are both super poor college students. I don’t go a day without hearing Dabeedo complaining about money. So, after we gathered some interviews (which were done completely out of pocket), we decided our best bet would be to turn to the fans and start up a Kickstarter to gather all the gas money we would need to travel around the entire country.

Where do Horror Boob and Lunchmeat Magazine come in to the picture?

Both Matt from Horror Boobs and Josh from Lunchmeat are my friends. I met them through being a collector. When we were thinking who could help steer us in the right direction, we knew they would both be perfect. Josh is the ultimate VHS enthusiast so it was always great to get his feedback. He also had many good contacts for interviews for the film. Matt was a big help, especially when we were first starting out. He helped show us how to go about getting interviews, which helped me when I set up the country-wide trip, and also helped us get some of the bigger names!

On your website there’s a sort of photo and video journal showing these adventures in video mania. Tell us a little more about your summer tour.

The summer tour was the absolute best thing I’ve ever done. It was also the most grueling. We are going to go into more detail on the trip and the behind the scenes of the film whenever we release the film, but we had multiple near death experiences on the trip, we literally almost fell off the side of a mountain. But we met some of the best people I’ve ever met and some people that will be my friends for the rest of my life, and we watched the movie forming in our heads. I will never forget the trip and just have to thank our fans and supporters again for helping us make it happen by donating.

How did you go about finding these collectors to interview?

We started with who we knew from the collecting groups online and who we had met in real life. From there we just asked people if they knew anyone else and it snowballed from there. We got one of our best interviews by asking a guy at a flea market who sells tapes, “Who buys the most VHS from you?” and he pointed us in the direction of one of the most impressive collections I’ve ever seen.

How did you locate the rare video shops that survived the business model crash?

It’s a long and hard process to find video stores still in business. You need to call every single number that pops up. 99% of the time they aren’t in business anymore or they don’t have their tapes. If they do have their tapes then you have to hope no one else already raided them. From there you ask the owner if he knows of any other video stores in 100 miles from that store or if he knows where you can find any tapes. He will probably say no, but he might say, “Yeah, at the flea market a guy who owned a store since the late 70s sells off his stock.” And that’s when you get the VHS hunting “butterflies” as many people call them. It’s a hard process to find stores with tapes, but a very worthwhile one. As someone who goes on long hunts almost monthly I can tell you there are still tapes out there.

What was one of the highlights of your trip?

I’d say one of my favorite moments came when we interviewed Zack Carlson (who produced the documentary American Scream). His house was absolutely amazing – he had a ball pit inside his office that we all played in for hours. Another highlight was when we were almost out of gas in the middle of nowhere and I finally found a station – it was an antique pump and the gas cost $5.50 a gallon. Oh yeah, and it just happened to be at the Bull Testicle Festival.

What was the most impressive collection you saw?

We saw houses that were literally packed full with tapes, collections that consisted of thousands of titles of strictly tapes not on DVD, and even someone who turned his basement into a video store!

Finding some of these old titles even on newer formats like DVD can be agonizing. It took me forever to track down copies of The Barbarian Brothers and Dr. Otto and the Riddle of The Gloom Beam, and these were bigger releases. Sometimes they’re even more difficult to find than the low budget flicks like Things, because of underground cinema’s cult status. What are some good sources you’ve found for fans searching for old movies?

 If you are looking for the original releases of these movies then joining one of the online VHS groups and posting a list of titles you need can normally help you find someone who is willing to sell or trade that title.

DVD, laserdisc and other formats have never really caused the collective compulsion that VHS currently has. What do you think is it about the old VHS titles that make them so addictive?

No matter how old you are right now the first way you saw a lot of your favorite films was on VHS so you want to relive that. It’s also the biggest collection of entertainment out there; exploring that and digging for weird movies and tapes that not many people know is one of the most fun things you can do. Anyone who starts can’t stop.

For me, the nostalgic lure of video-boom-age flicks is remembering the old boxes that lined the shelves back then. As a kid, these boxes held so much mystery and promised much more than the movies usually delivered. What is the appeal for you?

I also love that aspect. I love wondering what is inside the box and if it’ll deliver what the artwork promises. I also love how never-ending the world of VHS seems to be. I love trying to track down movies no one has ever heard of and exploring the different obscure releases, covers, versions…

I know it’s hard to choose, but do you have a favorite box cover?

One of the hardest questions I’m ever asked. I will list a few covers that I love: Make Them Die Slowly, Gore Gore Girls, and Club Life, which features a skeleton picture wearing a mullet wig.

Speaking of box cover magic, the poster art for the film by Devon Whitehead is truly amazing. It revels in the very magic the old boxes possessed. How did it come about?

We actually interview the artist in the film and I’ve loved his art for a while now. He seemed like the perfect person to capture why we all love VHS. I wanted it to be contemporary while still being very reminiscent of the classic 80s box art and he killed it!

I love the references in the poster too, hinting at lost classics like Lunchmeat, The Deadly Spawn and The Exterminator Part 2. Where these requested for the artwork?

They weren’t requested, but( Devon and I) share a lot of the same favorites so I knew he would take it in the direction we wanted.

The Deadly Spawn is a love it or hate it film. So many of my horror fan friends think it’s an utter turd but I just love it. The spray-it-wet-so-it-looks-alive technique never fails to amuse me in a rubber monster movie. I think movies like that and The Abomination are true tests of videovore fandom. What flicks do you think ownership of proves true fanboy status?

Well, I love both of the movies you mentioned, too! Honestly, if someone loves Basket Case then they are cool by me. That’s not only one of my favorite horror movies but one of my favorites in general. I also love meeting people who also love Rats: Night of Terror. That’s a movie I don’t think gets enough love but if you have seen it and like it then you are a true fanboy.

Horror seems to be the genre most coveted by collectors. It certainly holds the most appeal for me. Why do you think it has such lasting power over fans as opposed to other genres?

I think the horror genre is one of the most fun genres and it lends itself perfectly to VHS. It’s the most accessible and diverse genre. There’s literally a horror sub-genre for every type of person, whether you love strictly arthouse, gore, comedy, etc. There’s no other genre that has such a wide appeal.

Absolutely. You know, as a collector myself I understand the compulsion to seek out rare items too, be they good or bad. What is your most prized rarity and how did you end up getting it?

One of my favorite tapes is Hellroller, which is a shot-on-video slasher about a wheelchair-bound killer. I found it at a local junk store. Best dollar I ever spent.

I have a big box clamshell of Monster Dog starring Alice Cooper and directed by Claudio Fragasso, the madman behind Troll 2.  A friend of mine grabbed it for me out of a discount bin near the end of the nineties. Paid less than a dollar. It’s a terrible, terrible movie and I cherish it. Do you have any great gifts you’ve received?

I also have Monster Dog. I love that movie! The music video they make is ridiculous if I remember correctly. Some of my favorite gifts are my Barn of the Naked Dead big box on AIR Video that I got for free and my recorded 90s Nickelodeon marathon tapes with the commercials friends have given me.

How about old video-store standees, cutouts and promo items? I’ve longed for the inflatable Ghoulies 2 promo piece I remember from back in the day. Is there one you love?

I love all the Elvira standees for obvious reasons. Personally I have a few in my apartment. I grab any cool ones I can find, my favorites being my Elvira one and my Simpsons family ones from the mid-90s. There’s so many I would love to get. I know the producer of the film, Matt, has a Slam Dunk Ernest basketball hoop set-up that I would kill for.

Wow! I would too! The 80s was an absolute golden age for direct-to-video filmmakers. Anyone with a camera could produce a slasher flick back then. With digital downloads and online media having taken over, how do you think the next cinematic boom might take place, if at all?

People are using the internet to their advantage when it comes to making, watching, and releasing movies and I think that will continue. I am not the biggest fan of digitally shot movies that go straight to an online release, but I know it works for many people, especially horror filmmakers and I see no problem in utilizing these tools the same way directors did in the 80s with VHS and VHS camcorders.

While the digital age transformed how we see movies, it also made seeing a lot of rare titles a lot easier. Do you think digital collections are next?

Honestly, I’m not trying to sound like a dick, because I love collections of all types, but I will never see having a bunch of files on your laptop as a collection. You are “collecting” things that, at the click of a button, can be deleted forever. You can’t hold your “collection” and showing off your “collection” to friends would be a joke. However, the ability to download movies and see a ton of rare titles is amazing. I know I’ve done it in the past and it’s been a great way to further my film knowledge and to enjoy some movies I may never have seen anywhere else, but I don’t think movie files will ever be referred to as a “collection” or take the place of physical copies.

You’re currently screening the film across the USA and Canada. What is the next route for the film?

Well, we are currently working on some screenings around the country and even overseas. If you are interested in booking the movie please email criterionmaster1@yahoo.com I’m also working on planning an Adjust Your Tracking tour in July or early August where we will drive the film around from city to city hosting VHS nights where the movie will screen, we will trade tapes, show trailers, do a Q and A, and such.

Will you be launching it in a digital form?

As of now we don’t have any plans, though I can almost guarantee that it’ll eventually be available on VOD, Netflix, and other online sites!

Something tells me there will be a collectible VHS version too. Am I right?

There definitely will be. We are hoping to have some VHS exclusive content on there, too!

I know you’re still waist deep in this project, but do you have any ideas on what we can expect from you next?

I’m beginning the very early pre-production stages on a documentary on Pogs, their rise in popularity and their untimely death. I am also co-releasing a documentary in the next few months on VHS and DVD called Invasion of the Scream Queens. It’s a super rare and hard-to-find documentary directed by Donald Farmer that has only ever been available on VHS.

Lastly, we’re a horror bar and we recommend what booze goes best with the movies we review. What kind of drink do you think would go best with Adjust Your Tracking?

Coca-Cola! Ha ha, probably not what you’re looking for but that’s the truth! I guess moonshine would be a close second.

You can follow Adjust Your Tracking on its facebook page. To learn more about what Dan Kinem and Tim May are up to, check out their blog at VHShitfest.

In an effort to lighten the mood and get my mind off of all this, here’s a quick roundup of what’s cookin’ in the sphere.

CANNON FODDER

I think it is safe to say that nothing gives me 80’s video boom flashbacks like the outrageously awesome films of Cannon. From discount Charles Bronson flicks, to The Barbarian Brothers, to the gloriously wretched musical The Apple, Cannon gave us some of the best bad movies of the mid-80s, including insane action classics like Invasion USA, Death Wish 3 and Cobra.

This webpage is positively overflowing with Cannon worship, including VHS boxes, posters, general adds, standees, Over the Top action figures and even this Cobra comic book that was released in Hungary in 1987.

RYE OF THE TIGER

Now you can enjoy all those action classics with a swish of this Survivor inspired brew from Ohio’s Great Lakes brewery. Fans of festive carbonation and potent hops will gladly do a few rounds with this new IPA champ.

CHUCK NORRIS VS. COMMUNISM

Speaking of Cannon’s glorious action days, a new documentary is under works all about the age of cheap, American  action movies during the Cold War era. Chuck Norris Vs Communisim is its name, and it needs your support. Pledge today!

SICK SHIRTS, SIX BUCKS

Want this Puft Zilla Moment shirt? It’s only six bucks and made in the USA. Check out 6 Dollar Tees vast assortment of horror, sci-fi and vintage Tees, which include references to They Live, Bill Murray, Friday the 13^th and more.

SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES

T-shirts cramp your style, ladies? How about a wide selection of sexy, scary dresses, now available from Horror Merch?

Better still, use the code GET20 at checkout and save 20% off your order total.

A TASTE OF SABBATH

Black Sabbath’s reunion album 13 comes out in June, but you can snag a preview on Itunes and other download sites by checking out the song “God is Dead”, which has a serious, classic Black Sabbath tone to it.

OLD SCHOOL ROCK VIDEO TIME

As you may know by now, I always enjoy throwing a little retro metal in my roundups. Horror and Heavy Metal go together so well – it seems only natural that I have nostalgia for both. In honor of Ozzy’s return to Sabbath, and his over 40 days sober, here’s his lycanthropic BARK AT THE MOON video that pays tribute to all the Jekyll and Hyde flicks from the Hammer Horror days.

THE SNORES OF SALEM

Rob Zombie’s new “movie” is now out, at least in limited theaters. I would be lying if I said I had any interest in seeing it. I find his work to be rather juvenile, to put it politely. Some early reviews are out, and most of them seem to reiterate that it is all flash and no substance. Gee, what a surprise. Still, I know he has his fans and this is a bit of big news for our genre this weekend, so here is a detailed review from BD.

GO BANANAS

In a comedic tribute to the monster-on-the-loose horror craze of the 1950s, director Dave Shaw and Late Night Classic presents Gorilla. This feature seems more my speed: terrible on purpose!

RETRO TRAILER OF THE WEEK

And as always we close with the retro trailer of the week. This week I chose the hilarious, grindhouse commercial for Jailbait Babysitter, a smut-fest from 1977. You’re welcome!

But now, thanks to Slasher//Video, fans will not only be able to obtain a copy, but, for the first time, they will be able to get a copy of the extended director’s cut.

We sat down at the bar with the company’s founder, Jesus Teran, and asked him to fill us in on this deluxe edition.

Hello Jesus! Thanks for pulling up a stool here at the Tavern of Terror. Tell us, who are you and what are you here to talk about today?

Glad to do the interview!  I'll be talking a bit about Slasher // Video's 5th title to the label, BoardingHouse…Where The Rent Won't KILL YOU, But Something Else WILL!

What made you launch Slasher // Video?

The thing that set it off was a video store in Scottsdale, AZ called Scottsdale Video.  I used to go there and look at their great horror VHS section, they literally had over a 1,000 tapes & some of them were not even available to rent, they just sat on high shelves – rare imports that had not been touched in years. When the store went out of business in 2009, all their tapes were $3 a piece. I grabbed all the films I knew would be extremely hard to find. I remember grabbing the VHS of Death Nurse & putting it in my pile of films to purchase, which was about 100.  But as I walked back & forth to the counter to pay for them, someone must have taken Death Nurse. I tried to find a copy on ebay which eventually came up, but the auction ended at $250 or so.  It came up again months later, but this time the final bid was $265.  That's the point where, in my head, I said: No VHS copy is worth that much money. I'll just release it on DVD, which will look & sound way better anyways, that way the horror community doesn't pay these absurd prices for a film.  I found the original copyright holder/director Nick Millard and worked out a deal with him.

I post a Retro VHS Box of the Day on our Facebook page. When I posted Boardinghouse a fan informed me of your release. I was excited to hear it is getting a special edition. What made you choose Boardinghouse?

BoardingHouse is my favorite SOV film and is in my top 10 films of all time.  I have the Code Red DVD release, but I thought things could have been better.  I was aware of John and Kalassu's background so I knew there would be lots of great things to add to a re-release.  After getting in touch with John Wintergate back in the summer of 2012, we talked about releasing the director's cut version of the film which had only been seen by his family and a few fans.  They have been great to work with, allowing me to use the music from Lightstorm (33 1/3 from BoardingHouse) among other things. They are like family to me.

It is such a wonderfully bizarre film. What insight on its inception did you get from talking with the creators?

They told me that they wanted to create a film that would be a spoof on the films that were out at that time.  They mentioned watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at a theatre and thought it would be a fun idea to have a film like that with comedy elements incorporated into it.

How did you first meet John Wintergate and Kalassu?

John sent me the original Beta Master, along with several other elements to work with.  At that point, I had concepts of how to have the DVD look and had re-created the original composed music using left/right mono audio, then re-recording it to stereo (similar to the Beatles masters) because the original composed music masters had been destroyed in a flood that damaged John and Kalassu's home.  I received the Beta master and film elements from John and month later I arrived in Hawai and met them both.

You’ve mentioned to me that John and Kalassu are amazing people. Can you elaborate on that for us?

They are very spiritual, upbeat, extremely nice people with a great sense of humor.  The moment John & I met, we knew we'd be good friends. After arriving at their home, Kalassu walked out of the front door and gave me a big hug and kiss – it was so amazing.  She made me an expresso every morning I was there. We didn't even start working on the film extras until 2 or 3 days after that. I got a text message from Kalassu today, saying hello and asking if I was eating right – she is so adorable.

Back when they started, it was a golden age for discount cinema because people went to the Mom and Pop video stores looking for anything new. Big studios couldn’t keep up with the demand, and so the little guy stepped in. Isn’t that one of the things that motivated Wintergate to make the movie?

As far as the initial release, they wanted to do something for themselves, but the VHS boom of the early 80's was just great timing.  They had originally edited the film to be somewhat similar to the director's cut, but the distributor at that time said people didn't want to see a horror comedy.  They said they would pick up the distribution of the film if they could re-edited it.  John & Kalassu said if they could do it, go for it.  The end product is the film we are all used to seeing.  John and Kalassu didn't sit in on the re-editing of the film in ‘82.

They even got a limited theatrical run back then too, didn’t they?

They did get a theatrical release in the U.S. in ‘83.  The original master was blown up to 35MM, which was the first time that had ever been done for an SOV film, which, to this day, is still the only one.  There are a few TV spots showing the audience's reaction to the film, which will be included in the Slasher // Video release!

In the movie, I just love that a man runs this house and fills it with hot, young women who like to wrestle by the pool. It’s such a male fantasy. Any comments on that?

Ha, that would be awesome.  I think he only goes to work once or twice in the whole film.  Other than that, he just hooks up with the sexy tenants and hangs out.  I'd be happy with that.

The meditation scenes are crazy too, as are the use of all those cheap Halloween masks. Did they discuss them?

The Meditation scenes are one of the many highlights of the film.  It works well with the metaphysical aspect of the movie, which is much better explained in the director's cut.  The pig mask is definitely the best!  I brought it up in the commentary and asked something specific about it…but I won't ruin it.  It'll be on the DVD.

How would you define “horror vision”, which the original film was promoted as being filmed in?

Horror Vision was an additional comedy element for the film.  It's just one of many reasons this film is unlike any other.  I was debating on releasing Horror Vision glasses with this DVD, we'll see…

That would be awesome! Boardinghouse is also credited for being the first shot-on-video horror film, correct?

In my opinion, it definitely is. BoardingHouse was filmed in the Spring/Summer of '81.  Some people say that Sledgehammer is, but that wasn't released until ‘83.

Code Red released a decent DVD of it that is now out of print. But your special edition is really special, with new features and an extended cut. Can you tell us more about that?

The previous DVD release print is fairly dark, but I was still happy when it came out.  It was great to see John & Kalassu on the screen again.  This new release will be something more that fans would enjoy; it has tons of special features.  I'll be using the music from Lightstorm (33 1/3 from BoardingHouse), which will be included in two different photo galleries in this 30th Anniversary version.  It will also feature a brand new commentary on the director's cut, a never before seen alternate ending, a long list of trailers, tv spots, voiceover sessions for the trailers, an interview done in 2008, a new Q&A, the original version of the film which has been remastered, two music videos (Love Starved & Stop Fooling Around), Behind the Scenes/making the videos, and more.  The raw video files were close to 400GB so putting this on DVD is only possible on a dual layer disc.  It's more expensive, but this is BoardingHouse…definitely worth it.

You’re releasing what was on the original betacam tape, right?

They had the trust to send the irreplaceable Beta Master & additional film material without ever meeting me, which is unheard of. 

The Beta master has the original version of the film which was re-mastered.  My friend Tom (from TallCat Studios) and I also remastered the original version using the master DVD reels, which look very clean.

Including a director’s cut that is over 2 and half hours long, with lots of never before seen footage?

The director's cut version was transferred from John's original master so the quality is great.  What I decided to do was include the alternate ending of the film into the director's cut version, leaving the regular version as is, which makes more sense. It is almost 2 hours and 40 minutes. It is definitely entertaining from start to finish!

What cut scenes excited you the most when you saw them?

There's this funny scene where the cops come to the house and find something growing in the backyard.  Another scene is where all the girls hang out by the pool for about 5 minutes just talking about random things.

Can you please us videovores by explaining the process of re-mastering from betacam tape?

What we do is use the original elements and get them mastered at a studio that has the equipment, then transfer it to a hard drive as an avi file, which will allow us to upload the film to Tom's computer with the highest quality possible.  We also did this with the Death Nurse series and Cemetery Sisters, but those were 3/4" tape masters.

VHS has been enjoying a nostalgic comeback craze lately, much to my delight. What is your take on the resurgence in its popularity? Do you think it is mostly nostalgia driven?

It's great that VHS has made its way back as a main format for collectors. There are true collector's out there who have been collecting for years, even decades; my dad is one of them.  There are some "collectors" doing it to boast on the titles they have, which is unfortunate.  This drives the prices up to ridiculous amounts, which causes the next person who sells their copy to do so for the same high price, which inflates the price from that point on.  Some VHS releases do deserve a higher price range, like the big box of Spine & Lunch Meat, Jesús Franco's The Demons Unicorn Clamshell, the Chop Em Ups slipcase of Death Nurse, etc.  But a faded slipcase of Halloween II selling for $50 because it's in stereo or a $45 clamshell of Madman is just unreal.

I have that Halloween II slipcase! I think I paid three dollars for it back in the nineties. It is on my Myers shelf next to the cassette soundtrack. Any plans on releasing the Boardinghouse soundtrack? That has hardcore fan written all over it!

The music from the film will be inserted in different parts of the dvd itself, including the main menu, special features, & in two photo galleries.  As far as a separate CD release, that is definitely something that is possible in the future.  It truly depends on how the DVD sells.

What else can we expect from this release, and are there other lost VHS classics you have your eye on?

I am currently talking with a director about his film, which was shot on 35MM, originally released in ‘84. If things work out, it should be out for a 30th Anniversary release.  There is also another SOV film I am trying to obtain.  I spoke with the owner of the film and he responded with some great info. Last year, I was negotiating with a director on his film, but no contract had been signed.  I contacted him a few months ago and he had decided to personally release his title, which is Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout.  It would have been a great film for Slasher // Video, but who better to release a film that the actual owner.

What else can we look forward to from Slasher//Video in the near future?

Thankfully, things have been going good so far.  Death Nurse II was released in November of 2012, Trashology will be released by mid April of 2013. Cemetery Sisters will be released in late May/June of 2013 & more titles are in the works.

But this release is definitely the one that made me realize that independent distributors can do anything a large company can. Any company can release a well known title like BoardingHouse, but only a company that truly cares about the film can release it how it is supposed to be.

Also… BoardingHouse II (Illuminati Vortex of EVIL) The Legacy Continues. Coming soon! John actually sent me the full synopsis of the film and read it to me as well. I recorded it on camera, it's awesome! John and Kalassu, I love you both!

The sun is coming out and the trees are beginning to bud. Sounds like the perfect time to board up the windows, throw on an 80’s horror flick, and nuzzle your ass into the sofa. Actually, winter has been a long one and we’re just as excited as you to get outside and flip some burgers. But before I pop the top of my first Shiner Bock of the day, I need to wrangle all these horror tidbits for this week’s roundup!

SURFIN’ DEAD

We horror fans know there’s no reason to wait for fall to get our fright on. Spring can be a great time for terror too, and the good people behind the third annual Blood at the Beach understand that. This is gearing up to be a solid horrorcon, with guests including Michael Rooker, Bill Moseley, P.J. Soles, Michael Berryman, Doug Bradley, Traci Lords, Ken Foree, Julian Sands and, randomly, Edie McClurg!

The event is also hosting a Zombie Walk on the beach, a film festival, some live concerts, and a photo op with a replica of the 1966 Batmobile. Your Tavern hosts might just be popping by too!

This May 10-12, it will be more than just fat guys in Speedos making Virginia Beach scary.

A CRIME WAVE BREAKS OUT

The long-lost and often forgotten second feature from Sam Raimi, Crime Wave, is at last being given a proper release by Shout Factory. Starring the late genre favorite Brion James as an amateur hitman, and featuring a small role by Bruce Campbell, Crime Wave is the sort of comic caper that was so prevalent in the 1980’s with films like Fletch, Beverly Hills Cop and the underrated See No Evil, Hear No Evil. It is also noteworthy because the script was co-penned with Raimi by the Coen brothers!

This new release comes with several new interviews and an audio commentary by Bruce Campbell, making this time capsule all the more worth a rewind.

CARRIE ON

Just as the Evil Dead remake hits theaters, the full trailer for the (second? Third?) Carrie remake has come down on us like a bucket of… well, I don’t want to spoil the whole story the way the trailer seems to want to. I appreciate that Carrie is played by an actress that is not only talented but actually young (Chloe Grace Moretz), and the film looks well made, but it doesn’t seem to be bringing anything to the material that wasn’t already done beautifully in De Palma’s ’78 original. Sure, it looks more modern (this version traded ruffle tuxedos for cell phones), but it doesn’t seem to be taking anything to new levels, which makes the remake seem all the more unnecessary and uninteresting. Check out the trailer and judge for yourself, just be warned that it really gives the whole movie away…

P.S. Also, looking at this poster, it is hard for me to imagine a high school girl that pretty being ostracized, no matter how weird she is.

CAVITY SEARCH

Check out some of the insane, psychedelic horror art of Aaron Crawford going on at Cavity Colors. Referencing Scanners, The Exorcist, and The Thing to name a few, these prints and t-shirts will strongly appeal to your evil eye.

JASON TAKES MY HERSHEY

In my endless search to fill the Tavern with ridiculous horror merch, I stumbled across this 20’’ foam Jason candy dish. I would just love to fill that bowl with salami and cheese and plop him down on the bar. Time to start writing my Christmas wish list.

MATCH MADE IN HELL

Apparently Matchbox Collectibles released official Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13^th and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre cars and nobody sent me the memo. Not only do the cars reference the films, but also each car comes with a mini-figurine of our favorite slashers. Horror meets Macthbox cars. It doesn’t get much more collectible than that.

I’M SO CURRENT!

One of the wife's and my favorite episodes of Futurama is the Less Than Hero episode, in which Fry, Leela and Bender become superheroes. My wife often teases me because Fry becomes Captain Yesterday, and she thinks that is just the perfect superhero name for me, given my outdated tastes in just about everything. As luck would have it, I discovered that there is an action figure!

Might have to hang this on the Tavern wall next to Man-E-Faces.

OLD SCHOOL ROCK VIDEO TIME

Speaking of being Captain Yesterday, I also noticed that I had been coincidentally inserting old rock videos into these roundups. I met Lita Ford and felt the need to share one of her best videos. Fright Rag’s released a KISS parody shirt and I felt the need to share the video for “Lick it Up”. And so on. I decided that this feature is fun for me, and what the hell is the point of writing a blog if it isn’t going to be fun for me?

So now, for no real reason, and having nothing to do with horror at all, here is Foreigner rocking “Feels Like The First Time”, one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands. It is bound to put you in a 70’s mood if you’re ready to revisit some horror classics, and if you’re firing up the grill instead, this will get your toes tappin’.

DEAD SKIN MASK

Okay, I got my rock fix. Back to the horror stuff. While some masks are just fun, dollar store, wads of latex, others are handcrafted works of art. The craftsmen over at CFX Composite Effects have generated some of the most gorgeous latex costume pieces imaginable, which is why they are so pricey. But if you ladies have a few bucks to spend, maybe you could ditch the slutty witch costume this year and go as Hellraiser’s Julia thanks to this amazing ensemble.

HIP TO BE SLAIN

I have to confess. I am a big Huey Lewis and The News fan. Don’t worry, I’m not going off on another dinosaur rock tangent, I just felt I should mention I dig him and really appreciate the sense of humor he and Weird Al showed in this tribute to American Psycho. I promise this is one of the funniest things you’ll see all week.

BEWARE THE GREENWICH MOON

It looks like we’re not the only horror-themed bar around. To add to my barware, I’ve been searching for a beer mug with the Slaughtered Lamb logo on it, with little success. However, in my search I found out about this actual The Slaughtered Lamb Pub in Greenwich Village. It is a werewolf themed bar complete with dart room, lounge and dungeon.

If any of our fans happen to be in the NYC area, do us a favor and pick us up a mug! We'll even buy you a round.

RETRO TRAILER OF THE WEEK

This week’s old trailer is a promo piece for the Russ Myer exploitation classic Beyond The Valley of The Dolls. This is my way of honoring the passing of film critic Roget Ebert after his long battle with cancer. Although I strongly disagreed with Ebert’s views of the horror genre, he did (ironically) write the gratuitous screenplay for this boxum babe and bloodshed filled romp, and for that I am in his debt.

That’s all for this week. We’re off to go see the Evil Dead so we can whip together a review, just as soon as our day jobs get out of the way.

Yes, we know. This is supposed to be a ‘weekly” roundup and last Sunday we didn’t have one. Well, last weekend was a busy blast for us as we attended Charlotte’s second annual Mad Monster Party, one of the biggest and best horror cons in the south.

Featuring celebrity guests, crazed vendors, haunted houses, a film festival, panels and even scaraoke, this was the horror event of the season and you know the Tavern was there, representin’!

So this weekend’s roundup is going to highlight all of the horror scoops we unearthed in our adventures there. However, I must first confess my lameness in missing two key events: the photo-op with Bruce Campbell and the exclusive screening of Maniac on Friday (sadly, I have a life outside of loving horror, and it got in the way). Still, I came back from this con with a lot of info and artifacts that I can’t wait to share with all you Tavernities. So why wait?

BABES IN FRIGHTLAND

There was a vast assortment of horror guests this year, the biggest attractions being Bruce Campbell and Haruo Nakajima. There were many con regulars too, such as Danielle Harris and Kane Hodder. But there were two who I had not met yet that I was really stoked about, and one of them was scream queen Linnea Quigely.

Linnea was incredibly nice and personal. We actually share the same publisher too, Dark Moon Books. She has done two novels with them, and I wrote the closing story in their alternate history horror anthology Zombie Jesus and Other True Stories. So it was nice to have that in common with her.

I’ve met Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Gunnar Hansen, Doug Bradley and Angus Scrimm. But I still consider Linnea one of the biggest horror stars I’ve ever met. She has contributed so much to the genre, appearing in over 100 films, most of them being fright flicks. Starring in such classics as Night of the Demons, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, having a cameo inside of Freddy Kruger’s chest, and shining in my favorite zombie film of all time, The Return of the Living Dead, make her the ultimate scream queen in my eyes.

And who could forget her Horror Workout?

The other celebrity I was dying to meet was metal goddess Lita Ford. She was also very cool, and she enjoyed it when my wife told her about my boyhood crush (awww, jeez).  Can you blame me after growing up watching this video?

Lita’s new album, Living Like a Runaway, is a true return to form for her and I recommend everyone check it out. Here we are throwin’ the horns with her. She’ still got it!

But the most interesting interaction we had was at the hotel bar, when Jake the Snake pulled up a stool next to us and started talking about how evil gluten is. True story. He also thought my wife was damn beautiful. I agree with him. He actually said he should be paying to get a picture with her! Haha! He was friendly as Hell, and told us to stay together. We plan on it, Jake, but thanks for the encouragement.

MONSTROSITY CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING

Speaking of wrestling, one of the coolest things we encountered at the con was this event coming up in Atlanta. What’s more fun than wrestling? How about wrestling monsters? Frankenstein, Wolfman, Gillman and more will be putting the smack down on May 3^rd at the Famous Pub.

MORE SWAG FROM THE BORDELLO

T-Shirt Bordello has been great to us as an affiliate. When we met up with them at the con they gave us some sweet barware to add to the Tavern, including these Shaun of The Dead glasses and a Bates Motel mug to sip coffee out of when I write these roundups at 5am. They also gave me this incredible Ash Boomstick Stout shirt, knowing what a fiend I am for 80’s horror and malty brews. Get your own here.

In addtion to this, they launched a brand new Walking Dead Ale tee that is currently on sale for all you Dead-Heads!

SPLATTER VISIONS

The wife is the artist in the family, and she fell in love with the work of John Hairston Jr at Mad Monster. His vivid illustrations brought a touch of color to the horror art booths, and he was a genuinely interesting dude to talk to. Check out his illuminating work.

HAPPYHOUR OF THE DEAD

Another solid event for horror fans in Charlotte is the upcoming Zombie Bar Crawl on April 13^th. Stops include Fox and Hound, Dixie’s Tavern, Fitzgerald’s, Tilt on Trade, Roxbury, Town Tavern, Prohibition and Blackfinn. The undead fun starts at 4pm and goes until 2am.

Save $5 on an advance tickets today by using the promo code “uptown”!

GO, GO GOBLINS

I picked up a sweet Evil Dead II koozie for the bar at the Goblinhaus booth. They have many more to choose from too, on top of patches, model kits, vintage Halloween costumes and all sorts of other stuff for you to blow a paycheck on!

FROM THE VAULTS

As always, we stopped by to see the good folks at VHSPS and I grabbed copies of my long sought after favorites Society and the crap-tastic Boardinghouse which is our RETRO TRAILER OF THE WEEK!

 Find some of your own long-lost video treasures at their rockin’ site.

MASTER OF PUPPETS

The traveling prop-show Evil Puppets had an excellent display of some screen-used props, including creeps from Ghoulies, Meet the Feebles and Troll. You can currently bid on some of the props or show your love of with a sweet Evil Puppets shirt, including this one with art by London 1888’s Christopher Ott!

THIS IS WHY YOU GO TO THESE THINGS.

All of the above mentioned stuff should be enough to convince you to check out a horrorcon near you. This was my fifth one and one of my favorites. I could go on and on about the additional festivities there, including a wax museum and a horror beauty pageant, but pictures are worth a thousand words so we’re gonna close with two that should sell ya’ on the whole thing.

Where else are you going to see Lita Ford thrashin’ with Lea Thompson…

…and Danielle Harris hangin’ with Salacious B. Crumb?

That’s all for this week! Have an evil Easter!

Followers of my insane ramblings will surely know by now that I was self-fed a steady audio diet of hair metal as a young teen. That germinated into a death metal phase in my late teens, which then transformed into Nick Cave worship in my twenties. Now that I am in my mid-thirties I find myself drawn back to the music I loved as a thirteen-year-old aspiring vandal. There is something so fantastic about the 80’s hair metal era and the stadium-packing mania that came with it. It was rock n’ roll at its most decadent: filled with sex, drugs and hairspray. It was the most fun music has ever been, and it’s sad to me that the one long suicide note of alternative rock came in and ruined everything by September of 1991.

All we have now are the golden records of yesteryear: the pounding anthems of Def Leppard, the sex-crazed rollercoaster of Motley Crue’s hits, and the untouchable awesomeness juggernaut we call Judas Priest. Sure, we’ve still got our Bullet Boys and Danger Danger cassettes, but now they’re played on the “classic” rock station. But we still have the memories, still have the songs that our wives have helped us convert to MP3s (in my case, anyway), and we still have the occasional B-movie from that bygone era that aptly showcases all the liquid eyeliner, dry ice, and topless babes that made hair metal the rainbow in the dark we so fondly remember.

SHOCK ‘EM DEAD (1990)

Michael Martin is one lame bastard.

Picture Clark Kent with no cool alter ego. Now also imagine that he’s a self-centered assbag too. He is also a terrible guitar player, and is called out on it when he auditions for a really homo garage band called SPASTIC COLON.

Seriously, that’s the name of the band.

Pissed to have lost his job as a pizza artist just to flunk out of the band, Michael visits the neighborhood voodoo priestess; a bag lady that looks like Martin Lawrence in drag (remember Shanaynay?)

The voodoo priestess makes a deal with him. He wants to be a rock legend, and she wants his soul. Done and done. Please rate this seller and your transaction! Michael enters a dream world where a demon with a double-headed guitar serenades him with the help of two leather-bound biker bitches. It is all so much like my pubescent dreams it is scary.

Did I mention that pretentious guitar aficionado Michael Angelo Batio of the hilarious hair band Nitro plays the demon?

Note: yes, this was a real band back then. Can you believe people allowed this happen?

Anyway,…Michael sells his soul for rock n’ roll! He goes from Urkel to Nikki Sixx overnight! So metal!

He wakes up with huge hair, eyeliner on, and in the embrace of a waterbed  (a sure sign of rock godliness). He is in his new “pimping” pad (complete with rental-white walls) and his own, personal, lingerie-clad sluts greet him.

After slapping their boobs around a bit, he realizes he is no longer just Michael. He is now Angel. Angel Martin, the devil’s gift to metal.

He returns to the garage where Spastic Colon is barfing out their song “Virgin Girl”, which sounds more suitable to Madonna than a metal band. He wows them with his hand-flippin’, electric pickin’ guitar skills. He is now the greatest guitar player in the world but for some reason he still wants to play with these nobodies. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Who needs a world tour when you can play in a garage band? Some deal with the devil this is.

Angel quickly discovers that normal food will kill him, and as his concubine informs him, he, like them, is now a marauding ghoul. He must join them in sucking the life force out of the living in order to stay alive.

This life force is basically neon green light. Everything is always neon green light in these movies.

Angel also meets his band mate’s fiancé, Lindsay (former underage porn-star Traci Lords). Obviously he falls madly in love with her, as she is the only person in the movie who dresses normally (well, normal in that 90’s girl, Blossom hat kind of way). But in order to obtain her he has to do a ritual that sounds like the voodoo priestess just makes up as she goes along.

Angel gets petty revenge on the people who bullied him before he had such big hair, and he sucks a few souls to keep himself juiced. He also enjoys his subscription to Cooking Light.

The band gets a gig at the Pumpkin Dance or something, which apparently is managed by Squiggy from Lavern & Shirley. The lead singer of the band, Johnny Crack (seriously), shoots up and dresses as a gay pirate before the show, only to be tripped and upstaged by the spotlight hog that is Angel.

Angel steals all the thunder and begins to sing his own version of “Virgin girl”, followed by a monster ballad:

“My baby’s slept with half the town…. I’m in love with a slut.”

No shit. She’s Traci Lords, dude.

The band becomes a smash hit, especially after Angel kills Johnny, and a record producer who looks like Ric Flair signs them. These producers clearly know good music too; just listen to the rap they like when you deign to watching this film.

Angel gets everything he wanted, except Lindsay. She plays hard to get, causing him to try the enchantment ritual on stage in front of a bunch of unsuspecting dildos. Nothing wins a woman over like being tied down in a kiddy pool while a metalhead barfs lime green goop and plays guitar for her, right?

Great quote from the film: “There’s a snake in the hot tub. Bring that too!”

The finale is a battle of mediocre good and laughably evil in this downright silly romp that barely qualifies as horror but is certainly bad movie pay dirt. A little food concentrate turns out to be Angel’s holy water, but can he be stopped in time to save Lindsay and her Blossom hat?!?!

FINAL THOUGHTS

From the moment the cheap video credits spin onto the screen and you hear “Purple Haze” being sodomized, you know you’re in for a shit-show. Shock ‘Em Dead is an enormously flawed film, from its awkward juxtaposition, to its wretched acting, to its downright stupid storyline. But it serves as a time capsule for 1990, which was the tail end of the hair metal era. Also, it is so bad it is completely and utterly hilarious. The massive hair, the lame music, the cheesy effects, and all those outfits that put Cool As Ice and Twin Sitters to shame, make for one hell of a good time.

One big storytelling flaw here though is that the film follows Michael as he transforms into Angel. He is the protagonist, but also the villain, making us unsure whom to root for here. We could root for Lindsay, but she is totally under-developed. She is merely Angel's interest, and she has very few scenes that don’t revolve around him.

Nitro’s own Michael Angelo Batio plays the metal demon, and does all the actually fancy guitar playing in the film. For more on this glorious douchebag, check out this actual video from his band:

All in all, Shock ‘Em Dead, despite itself, is enormously entertaining. It gave the wife and I a lot of laughs when we watched it. Granted, she has been high on Oxycodone since she broke her wrist, but its still funny nonetheless.

While the flick fails in the blood and guts department, it revels in gratuitous boob shots, giving you some double-D delight at six minutes in, and getting every woman in the movie to take her top off (except Lords… sigh). 

RATING: 3.5 OUT OF 5. Too hysterical to stay mad at.

CHICK OF THE LITTER: Traci Lords. Duh.

BARTENDER’S NOTES

Left Hand has got the perfect brew to pair with this metal meltdown. They have come out with a new Milk Stout. As a big fan of their original milk stout, I had to pick up the new Nitro infused one. There’s a right and wrong way to go at serving it up. Pop that top and pour it hard. Don’t worry it. Shotgun it like a man and enjoy! It goes down smooth and easy (maybe a little too easy).

The flavor is like that of a sweet Guinness. The head fades quickly but the taste stays full and rich, hinting at dark creams and brownies. We liked it so much we shouted out loud about it in our January 20^th roundup. We also have bought it several times now and plan to buy it again.

And with a name like Nitro, you can’t go wrong. Right, Michael?

Therefore, we now bring you our newest, weirdest segment, which we think is a lot of fun and hopefully you will too. It’s part trivia and part before-they-were stars fun. We’re taking some of yesterday’s best loved comedy programs and revealing their stars' horror genre roots, as well as its nods and cameos, in our new segment…

NIGHTMARES IN TV LAND!

We'll start by bringing you the terrors of Married… With Children!

FIRST FUN FACT:
While many people believe that the Bundy family was named after serial killer Ted Bundy, creators Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt actually named the family after their favorite wrestler, King Kong Bundy, who ended up guest starring on the show twice; once as himself in the Halloween episode Flight of the Bumblebee, and once as Peggy’s Uncle Irwin in the episode All in the Family.

AL BUNDY (ED O’NEILL)

Ed is, without a doubt, my favorite comedic actor, and Al Bundy is one of the most famous Dads in television history.

But can we link Ed to the horror genre?

Before he gained fame as Al, Ed starred in horror-director William Friedkin’s Cruising and later in the dark thriller The Bone Collector. He also played a troll king in the fantasy series The 10^th Kingdom.

But my favorite horror-tie in for Ed is actually the subject of great debate. In the end of the classic, survival horror flick Deliverance, a police officer is questioning Burt Reynolds. The officer isn’t credited in the movie, but he looks strikingly like a young Ed O’Neill. This credit has gone on and off IMDB and other sites hosting biographies of the actor.

The current scoop is even more interesting though.
To quote IMDB on the matter: “Although Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy) was not actually in the movie, it has been reported so many times that he often doesn't dispute it.”

Whether Ed or not, this is my favorite Al Bundy horror-tie in!

PEG BUNDY (KATEY SAGAL)

Katey Sagal has had an enormously successful career, and at the time of my writing this she stars in two extremely popular shows, Sons of Anarchy and Futurama. She also manages to still be smoking hot at age 59.

My favorite Katey Sagal horror tie-in is her appearance as Ms. Kilbasser, the leather-clad double-crosser in the second season Tales From the Crypt episode For Cryin’ Out Loud.

In this she co-stars with Sam Kinison and Lee Arenberg, both of which made guest spots on Married… With Children. (Kinison as Al’s guardian in angel in the two-part Christmas Special It’s a Bundyful Life, and Arenberg as one of Jefferson’s old prison buddies in Luck of The Bundys).

BONUS FACT:
Kinison was originally considered for the roll of Al Bundy, and Roseanne Barr for the roll of Peg.

KELLY BUNDY (CHRISTINA APPLEGATE)

Applegate has also had a lustrous career, and continues to be a success on the big screen, small screen and the stage. As a teenager in the nineties she became a national sex symbol, and her portrayal of dimwitted, heavy metal chick Kelly Bundy made the role one of the most iconic television characters of all time.

But before she was making us drool with this…
 

She was making us shriek with this!

That’s a nine-year-old Christina in the giant-snake horror turd Jaws of Satan from 1981. Long before she stepped into the leather minis of Married… With Children. Additional Applegate horror clout includes the semi-dark comedy Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead (hey, it features teenagers dealing with a corpse), Mars Attacks, and the Amazing Stories episode Welcome to My Nightmare, wherein a horror fanatic finds himself trapped in the movie Psycho.

BUD BUNDY (DAVID FAUSTINO)

David has been a star since his infancy, and before he was Bud he had small roles in supernatural shows including The Twilight Zone and Highway to Heaven. His greatest contribution to the genre would have to be the 2008 serial killer film The Boston Strangler, in which he plays notorious rapist/killer Albert De Salvo (and yet, oddly, the DVD cover looks nothing like him. I guess they didn’t want people to chuckle at the face of Bud Bundy coming to choke them to death. Also, whether or not De Salvo was actually the killer remains a subject of debate even though he did confess to the crimes).

Nonetheless, Faustino’s best horror tie-in is one of nepotism. His brother, Michael, was a member of The Monster Squad, playing Eugene in the 1987 cult classic.

MARCY D’ARCY (AMANDA BEARSE)

But the trophy for the Married… With Children cast’s best horror tie-in easily goes to Amanda Bearse for her famous role in the 1985 horror gem Fright Night, in which she plays the hero’s girlfriend who gets seduced by a vampire and then becomes one!

HORROR ON THE SHOW

The show had two Halloween episodes, one being the before mentioned Flight of The Bumblebee, and the other being the more horror-themed Take My Wife, Please in which the reaper (played by Sagal) comes for Al on Halloween night.

In addition to its regular cast, Married… With Children, also had many guest stars from the genre and nods in its direction. Robert Englund played the devil in the season 11 dream-episode Damn Bundys, in which Al sells his soul for football stardom.

Linda Blair plays one of Peggy’s white trash cousins, Ida Mae, in season seven’s Magnificent Seven.

And Leatherface and Jason visit Al in a nightmare in season two’s Buck Can Do It.

Other notable genre stars that made guest spots on the show include Milla Jovovich, Corey Feldman, Richard Moll, Clint Howard, Traci Lords, and the metal band Anthrax.

On top of all of this, there was also a short-lived comic book adaptation of the show during the height of its popularity. Several of the issues parodied pop horror of the day.

Would you believe I wrote all of this while wearing a Polk High t-shirt? It’s true. I also still have a pinup poster of Applegate that I bought when I was thirteen. Plus, today I finally found these dolls on Ebay after regretfully not buying them when they were first released in 2005.

Now that you’ve read this article, I think you can better understand why they will be proudly displayed in the Tavern of Terror, right alongside my Dr. Loomis action figure. Hey, if you’re gonna be a nerd, be a hardcore one!

Tune in next time, same horror bar, for another episode of Nightmares in TV Land, brought to you exclusively by Tavern of Terror!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! We’re glad that you’ve decided to make the Tavern of Terror one of your stops on your bar hopping today! I’m half Irish myself; my mother’s maiden name was Donnelly, and you don’t get more Irish than that. Plus I married a redhead. I’ve never celebrated St. Patrick’s Day too heavily (I don’t love a parade), but I do plan to do some serious drinkin’ in the Tavern tonight and probably watch some green-themed horror schlock! We hope you also get in some quality time with the Leprechaun series today and maybe even revisit the Silver Shamrock Novelty warehouse even if it isn’t Halloween yet (I’ve always wondered how Cochran and his crew might celebrate St. Patty’s day).

Anyway, we’ve got a lot of genre cabbage for ya’ to chew on here, so let’s get the pot boilin’. May the cat eat you and may the devil eat your cat (and other Irish sayings that I don’t totally understand).

THE BEAST WITHIN

If you’re like me (and for your sake, I hope you are), then you wish you could afford to buy every shirt Fright Rags puts out mainly because the artwork is so incredible. As an 80’s child, VHS box art and cheap comics expanded my imagination, and nothing makes me more sentimental for the genre than quality horror art. One of Fright Rag’s contributors that I have grown to really dig is BeastPop Artworks. On top of making incredible designs of The Blob and the Creepshow segment They’re Creeping Up On You, BeastPop Artworks is now unleashing a Leprechaun shirt in the true, gruesome spirit of the holiday!

GET YOUR EYES SUCKED OUT

Another horror artist I have been admiring is Alex Pardee, who had an excellent interview in this month’s Rue Morgue Magazine, detailing his work and process. His dreamlike bizarrity is heavily influenced by the horror films of the eighties, which any fan of the genre can see. You can check out his wild visions on his blog.

BLACK VELVET, IF YOU PLEASE

T-shirts and prints just not esoteric enough for you? Well, check out the sensational black velvet artwork of fellow North Carolina horror nerd Bruce White. He’s a tattoo artist who has taken to the ancient medium of black velvet painting. But he’s not just offering portraits of Christ and Elvis, he is offering incredibly detailed painting of Ash from The Evil Dead, The Frankenstein Monster, The Ghostbusters and more of your genre icons

TRUE DESTROYERS

One more shoutout to Fright Rags, and this one needed to be shouted out loud! In a brilliant amalgamation of everything I love, they have put four slasher legends together in a homage to Kiss’s classic Destroyer album (and note the tour dates on the back featuring each character’s home location).

But to make it even more irresistible to this metalheaded horrorhound they even made a variation on a baseball tee, the true trademark fashion of the 80’s headbanger. This gem will be released on Tuesday and coincidentally I will be several dollars lighter that same day.

LICK IT UP!

Speaking of Kiss, you don’t have to be a fan to appreciate this insane, classic video of theirs. As if the song wasn’t suggestive enough, they also share a “yogurt” eating binge with a bunch of sewer-dwelling C.H.U.D. sluts. And man, those boots! Struttin’ that puts Travolta to shame even more than his back hair in Pulp Fiction!

MIX IT UP!

Looking for more than just shots of Jack backed by pitchers of Guinness this St. Patty’s Day? Check out this detailed recipe list of cocktails that are just right for the holiday. It’s hosted by… Discovery? Well, Okay. Whatever. Slainte!

DEADITE OF THE DAY

Bloody Disgusting is hosting a hellacious contest for Evil Dead fans.
Do you have the most killer collection of Evil Dead merch?
Are you an artist with multiple portrayals of Ash and his friends? Have you made an Evil Dead fan film?

This contest celebrates the fans of the series and wants you to submit your fandom. 10 winners will be selected to be featured on the website! So get your submissions ready!

VHS-TIVAL!

As a fellow obsessive collector, I understand when people go to the ends of the earth for what most people would consider worthless garbage. The new documentary Adjust Your Tracking is an examination of just such obsessive behavior. In this film about VHS collecting, Dan Kinem and Levi Peretic of VHShitfest collaborate with Horror Boobs and Lunchmeat Magazine to celebrate the craze. And just look at that glorious poster art!

NO ONE IS SAFE FROM A LEP IN THE HOOD

Last week, we asked you all to vote for your favorite Leprechaun movie. And the clear winner is…. LEPRECHAUN: IN THE HOOD!

That’s it for this week. There’s drinking to do, Danny Boy! Erin Go Bragh, and horror movies too!

Spring is starting to duke it out with old man winter. While we’re all excited to go outside again, we still need to pass some time until the wind is a little less biting. Might as well sip on some whisky and watch another horror movie, right? That’s why we gather here in the Tavern of Terror.

The most fun we’ve been having this week is with our t-shirt contest with T-Shirt Bordello, which you can check out HERE if you’ve been living in a hollowed out log and haven’t noticed us shamelessly promoting it yet. We also give huge appreciations to our friends at Freddy in Space, Shit Movie Fest, 80’s Horror Movies and Guts and Grog for getting the word out!

But there’s more news to report from the horrorsphere than that, and with both St. Patrick’s Day and Easter falling in this month, we want to get into the holiday spirit too!

DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD

Some early reviews of the Evil Dead remake are out from trusted sources. While I understand some fans of the original grumbling about a reboot, I personally have been enticed by the trailers I’ve seen so far, and these reviews spark my interest in it even higher.

Bloody-Disgusting gave it high praise, and Dread Central agreed, saying that the film delivers on the promised intensity.

I guess the rest of us will just have to find out for ourselves on April 5^th.

MORE NEWS FROM THE MAD MONSTER

As Charlotte’s Mad Monster Party draws nearer, the events and guest list get all the more enticing. On top of hosting guests like Bruce Campbell, Linnea Quigley, Gunnar Hansen, Gary Busey, Kane Hodder and more, now the event will also have a walk-through haunted mill, a gallery of screen-used puppets, a Miss Horrorlina Pageant, horror fan speed dating, and a film festival that will host an advanced screening of the Maniac remake.

Your Tavern of Terror hosts shall be there too, and we will be reporting back to our loyal tavernities with details of our mad-capped adventures!

THIS MANIAC’S IN LOVE WITH YOU

Speaking of the Maniac remake (another reboot that has been getting high praise from trusted sources), lil’ Elijah will be scalping on U.S. screens come June 21^st. This release date also covers V.O.D., possibly the greatest invention since corn holders.

A BLANK CARTRIGE FOR A PALE, EMOTIONLESS GAME

Recently I posted on our Facebook about the hilariousness fact that Wizard Video Games put out two short-lived horror games for the Atari 2600 in the early 80s: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween. Incredibly in the Texas game from 1983, you actually got to be Leatherface, as opposed to every other horror game that came after it. In the Halloween game you’re just Laurie, but the game’s decapitation sequence, possibly the first in video game history, is a must-see.

A fan then sent me to these amazing reviews of those games from popular critic Angry Video Game Nerd that are really worth a view. Not only do they show detailed footage of the games themselves but also lovingly mock the films they’re based on.

FLUSH IT, FLAUNT IT

Traveling roadshow Evil Puppets has put up for auction an actual screen-used stunt puppet from Ghoulies, and it is the most famous bugger of them all: the toilet ghoulie known as Fish! If only I had an extra grand to flush, this would be proudly displayed in the toilet of terror!

EVERY SINGLE JASON MASK YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT

We horror fans are picky. It took me twenty years to buy a Michael Myers mask because I felt that they never got it right; no check bones, puffy hair and other flaws made me pass despite my burning desire to possess my own chalk face. Thank crap Don Post came out with the official Halloween II mask that is now proudly displayed in the Tavern as you can see here:

Anyway, one might think that a Jason hockey mask would be simpler to pick out, but not so. Not at all. Any discerning horrorfiend knows that every single Jason mask is not only different in each film but also on each infamous poster art too. Slight dents, splatters, scratches and deviations reveal the battle scars of each film, and slight changes in shape and sheen reveal which incarnation of the Camp Crystal Lake slasher is being paid tribute to with the old goalie strap-on!

Thankfully, Cryptkeeper Productions gives us every variation we could possibly ask for with their lovingly detailed hockey masks here at HorrorHockeyMask.com.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE WARWICK?

With St. Patrick’s Day coming, we horror fanatics are all dusting off our Leprechaun DVDs, am I right?

My personal favorite is Leprechaun in the Hood, as the franchise really let itself jump aboard the silly train, having the Leprechaun battle Ice-T, smoke weed, and bust rhymes so bad it made us all long for another duet of Freddy and The Fat Boys.

However, I also love the absurdity of him going into space in part 4, and thoroughly enjoyed his trip to Vegas in part 3.

So I’m asking y’all to vote here for your favorite Leprechaun flick. With news of a reboot on the horizon where Warwick Davis is being replaced by wrestler Hornswoggle, it’s time to show a lil’ love (pun intended) to the original, lucky franchise. We’ll post the winning flick next week!

RETRO TRAILER OF THE WEEK

And last but not least is your retro trailer of the week! This time I decided to go with 1981’s Hell Night, the dare-you-to-stay-in-a-haunted-house-overnight slasher starring the voluptuous Linda Blair. Filled with Quaaludes, Jack Daniels, men in underoos and severed heads, this is a lost treasure worth digging up!

That’s it for this week’s roundup. We have to put on our Silver Shamrock masks and start dying our Pabst green. This is the Tavern’s first Patty’s Day, and like any bar, we need to exploit it! Cheers!

To celebrate our new affiliation with the delightful madmen at T-Shirt Bordello, we have teamed up with them to give away THREE FREE KICK-ASS HORROR SHIRTS. What I always loved about their designs is the creativity that goes into them. They aren’t just simple images from films; they are hilarious amalgams like the ones you see below:
 

With that incredible absurdity in mind, I chose to make a list of the top ten most absurd monsters in horror films. Keep reading to check out the list and find out how to enter the giveaway.  

Now, back to those absurd monsters…

Absurdity and monsters go together like alcohol and firearms. The more absurd a monster can be, the more effective, as the human mind shudders at what it cannot comprehend. Take the shape-shifting mass in John Carpenter’s The Thing, for example. The unfinished form of the Blair Monster is an unparalleled terror.

However, sometimes in an effort to create a beast that is fresh, creative, and even humorous, filmmakers can often go overboard, resulting in the “WTF” ghouls I’ve listed for you here. I’ve listed what I thought were the wackiest weirdoes in the horrorsphere; creatures that out-do the poodle in The Boneyard and Mama in Dead Alive when it comes to sheer ridiculousness (although both of them deserve mention)! Some of these movies are damn solid horror flicks, other are raging bags of flaming feces. But they all have a monster, madman or machine that is more ludicrous than Admiral Ackbar and crazier than an Alex Jones rant.

10. THE BRAIN in THE BRAIN (1988)

The concept of a giant, floating brain as a leading monster has been put out there a shocking amount of times. Old sci-fi camp such as The Brain From Planet Arous gave us our first taste of a disembodied, over-sized, gray matter monster. But 1988’s The Brain upped the ante by giving their brain fangs. In this shockingly out-of-print turd, a cult-leading Doctor (David Gale from the Re-Animator films) creates an enormous, man-eating brain to help him control minds.

Now, while this may sound riveting, unfortunately the film drags with the human characters running up and down stairs and battling evil nurses. But when the brain drops by it is a grand old time, as he prefers eating slutty blondes.

Hilarious in concept, this creature is also hilarious in execution, as it is clearly a big ball of plaster being wheeled around on a cart. At times you can even seen the puppeteer working its jaws.

Movies like this always get us asking: “What the hell were they thinking?”

This time we get to find out, thanks to this great interview done with the film’s FX artists Kevin Danzey, over at badmovies.org.

9. ALL OF THE MANY FREAKS in NEON MANIACS (1986)

Much like my beloved Spookies, the 80’s horror flick Neon Maniacs has a downright ridiculous variety of monsters in it. But while Spookies sticks with traditional zombies, cat people, grim reapers and other Halloween-like generics, Neon Maniacs goes floating out into crazyland by crafting a motley crew of nonsensical little killers: a blue samurai, a leather-lovin’ gimp, an undead marine soldier, a “Melty Face”, a psycho surgeon, a Mohawk Indian, a biker ghoul, an aging caveman, and many more. All of them live under the Golden Gate Bridge, emerging at night to slaughter sexy teens, of course. Luckily they can be killed by water. Good thing they chose to live under a bridge.

Also known as The Evil Dead Warriors, this film boasts some glorious, old school FX despite its plotlessness. While utterly stupid the film is also highly entertaining, and offers such a vast variety of little ghoulies that you simply can’t get bored.

8. THE OWL MASK KILLER in STAGE FRIGHT (1987)

Take it easy. Before you write me angry letters, you should know that I love Stage Fright and consider it an unsung hero of the slasher craze. This early work from Michele Soavi (creator of the masterful Dellamorte Dellamore) is a giallo-style slasher in the vein of Soavi’s mentor, Dario Argento.

It is about a killer who stalks a cast rehearsing a play. They got locked inside the theater overnight with the killer, and one by one they’re picked off in a colorfully gruesome display….

… by a guy wearing a giant owl head mask.

Strangely enough, it really ends up working in the film’s favor, but it is nonetheless the oddest choice for a slasher mask I’ve ever seen, and that’s including the pig’s head in Motel Hell.

7. THE FRIDGE in ATTACK OF THE KILLER REFRIGERATOR (1990)

Before Tobe Hooper, Stephen King and Robert Englund collaborated to embarrass themselves with The Mangler, a group of never-seen-again misfits slapped together a short film about a killer appliance that somehow made it to video store shelves during the glorious VHS boom.

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator tells the tale of a mistreated fridge that goes on a killing spree, eliminating the rowdy, mullet-headed teens that have wronged it. While only fifteen minutes long, it feels far longer, as it is a completely inept little film. But its sheer silliness and amazing audience reach has made it a sought-after treasure among vintage video collectors.

6. THE YONIC MONSTER in THE ABOMINATION (1986)

Speaking of collectable VHS tapes, The Abomination ranks pretty high on the list of VHS rarieites. This B-movie about a disturbed young man who keeps a giant, vaginal creature in his cupboards and feeds it cauldrons full of guts (which appear to be actual animal entrails in the film) is a wild mess of a movie.

Think of this as a gory Little Shop of Horrors, sans the annoying music. Despite its relative cheapness, the film obviously put what little cash it had into the creature effects. Originally coughed up by the man’s mother, the abomination slowly grows into a pulsating wad of meat that dominates the kitchen and demands fresh kills.

5. THE PHALLIC MONSTERS in THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983)

A perfect companion to the previous entry, The Deadly Spawn is about flesh-eaters from outer space who just happen to look a lot like giant dicks.

These ferocious space-cocks terrorize a family in a small town, and then target a group of teenage scientists! The razor-toothed creatures are always sprayed-wet to look more alive, and come in various forms and sizes, just like real dicks.

4.     THOSE TURD BUGS in THINGS (1989)

The micro-budget, Canadian horror film THINGS really must be seen to be believed. Beyond terrible, incomprehensible, and excruciating at times, it succeeds in being one of the shittiest movies I have ever encountered, and that is really saying something.

A man and his wife undergo dangerous experiments in an effort to get pregnant, resulting in her giving birth to the “things”, which look like crawling, petrified horse turds.

One of Intervision’s finest, or most shameful moments, Things is a horrendous, disjointed shitstorm of skull-shattering awfulness; a virtual barfbag of filmmaking ineptitude at its most rancid. Therefore, I cannot recommend it more highly!

3. EVERYTHING in PHANTASM (1979)

I am a huge Phan of Phantasm. I own the complete boxed set and I once had a lovely conversation with Angus Scrimm about playing the violin.

But have you ever really thought about what Phantasm is really all about? Can your brain even handle it? While wonderfully effective, Don Coscarelli’s popular franchise admittedly plays out like a nightmare, resulting in strange moments of nonsense (particularly by part IV).

What we have here is a story about a shape-shifting mortician from another dimension who uses a flying sphere to kill people. He then has their souls compressed into midgets to farm rocks for him in a parallel universe.

Seriously, this is probably the most outlandish screenplay ever pitched.

2. THE MEAT MAN in JOHN DIES AT THE END (2013)

Another mind-fucking masterpiece from Coscarelli. In his latest insane asylum of a film, John Dies at the End, Don really pushes the limits of the imagination with the help of author David Wong.

This movie is a rich cornucopia of crazy, but the early-on moment that had me howling has to go to the scene where a meat-locker bursts open and an entity uses the cold cuts to form itself into a meat monster.

But the granddaddy crown of completely absurd monsters must go to….

1. AYLMER in BRAIN DAMAGE (1988)

If there is one mind out there more delightfully disturbed than Don Coscarelli’s, it’s that of Frank Henenlotter. The man who brought us additional absurd monsters in Frankenhooker, Bad Biology, and his Basket Case trilogy really hit the mother out of the park with his magnum opus Brain Damage.

This movie tells the tale of Brian, a young man who becomes host to a neon parasite named Aylmer – a sort of worm that provides him with a euphoric liquid that is shot right into Brian’s skull. But once addicted, Brain becomes Aylmer’s bitch, as he demands human brains for food.

Aylmer is a talking, singing, drug-dealing, mega-leech that rips people’s brains out of their heads.  It simply doesn’t get any better than that.

Heavily edited upon its initial release, the film was at long last released on DVD with the complete bloody-blowjob scene and the now infamous brain-pulling sequence intact. If you like absurdity in your fright flick, believe me when I say you’ll hit the holy grail of gonzo with Brain Damage.

Now that we’ve told you our favorite absurd monsters, it is time for YOU to tell us yours in the comment section below for your chance to win a free horror tee!

To enter the contest, just do these three simple things:

1.  Leave a comment on this article telling us what your favorite absurd monster is (it doesn’t have to be one from this list). Be sure to leave a VALID EMAIL ADDRESS in your comment so we can contact you if you win. Best practice: me_at_email_dot_com
    
2. LIKE us on Facebook if you haven’t already.
   
    
3. SHARE this contest on Facebook so your friends have a shot at winning too!

THREE GRAND PRIZE WINNERS will receive a
FREE HORROR T-SHIRT of THEIR CHOICE from T-SHIRT BORDELLO!

This contest is only open to U.S. Residents. Winners will be picked at random. Contest ends March 20^th, 2013. Winners will be announced after emails are confirmed. Good luck!